Two of my friends are now actively dating. Both situations came about through online approaches, and it has been an interesting process for me to watch. Last night, one of those women met a man who also wants to find me a date.

Interesting.

Let’s put aside the fact that no one who has ever offered to find me a date has ever succeeded—unless you count success as having all of them refuse to even meet me.  We won’t get into my special texting friend, who I never met, but will probably be considered one of my more successful relationships (yes, that’s how ridiculous they’ve been).

The natural suggestion from friends (and their dates, apparently) is for me to also get online and start meeting men. Naturally, my immediate reaction is “Hell, no!” I know it seems strange since I did ask my friends to set up blind dates. I think I can only plead temporary insanity with that—either that, or I figured if my friends actually like a guy, I could, conceivably, find him intriguing, too.

Nope, it was definitely temporary insanity.

All of these suggestions have left me with a running debate and a list—specifically a pros and cons list of the reasons I, or anyone, should date.  Before you all yell out “SEX” as an answer, let me remind you that I am me.  Have the picture of me in your head: reluctant to share, introspective, wary and isolationist.

No, seriously, stop yelling, “SEX.”

I have been alone for so long that I can’t remember the positive reasons to date. For instance, if I get a dubious text message from a person I’m seeing in real life (as opposed to my equally frustrating virtual one), I don’t want to ponder “what he means by that.” Why? Well, because nine times out of ten, I don’t care what he means by that. I just want someone to be direct with me and to tell me what they want, so I can then tell them that they can’t have it. It’s very simple.

I can’t imagine making time for someone or changing my life for someone I’ve just met right now. Or maybe I’m afraid I would. Maybe part of me believes that I would start to alter my life, and my life needs to be focused right now.

“But you could have someone to do things with!” When I want to do something, I either do it alone or go with friends.  I don’t need to date for that.

“But you could go out for romantic dinners!” I don’t eat dinner.

“But you could have those butterflies!”  I think that’s nausea.

“It makes you feel alive!” So would winning the lottery.

Yes, I am difficult. I get that. Still, this should not stop you from giving me your best reasons for why I should jump back in that shark-infested pool (Shark Week has just started on Discovery, by the way). Let me have them; why should I do this?

No, seriously, stop yelling, “SEX.”