*While I don’t think you can ever really spoil a romantic comedy, stop reading now if you don’t want to know the ending of the movie.
My friend LD and I went to go see “27 Dresses” not long ago. It was charming and Ed Burns proves the theory that men really can get better looking as they get older. Bastards. While I did enjoy the movie, it highlighted the romantic comedy axiom that I will now refer to as “#27”.
According to the rule of #27, Courtship lasts:
a) 1 year or less from the original meeting to the altar
b) 3 years from original meeting to the altar, but there was a period of separation
c) 5-8 years from original meeting, things look promising until he dumps you for someone else because he thinks you’re holding him back
d) 10 years from the original meeting and it never leads to the altar because prince waste-your-time decides he needs to find himself. In fact, you are so far from the altar that while you write a blog about your lousy love life years later, you will need to look up that word to figure out how to spell it.
Let’s just say I don’t know many people who fall into category “a”, and far too many who fall into categories “c” and “d”.
According to the rule of #27, finding the right man requires:
a) filling out a 27 page form and decades of coffee first dates
b) $100,000 in payments to a matchmaker
c) just being really open to it, and then he turns out to be James Marsden
Look, option “c” is a really nice, warm and fuzzy option in a very “The Secret” kind of world. But in my reality, more men approached me when I was in a relationship (and completely closed off to the idea) than during the single years. In my reality, James Marsden is never waiting with a shiny new blackberry and words of consolation and love. In my world, open means a whole lot of standing around and thinking “Where the hell is he?” If I took the leap onto that boat at the end of the movie—Mr. Right would have been standing on the dock and waving goodbye. Oh, and I would have broken my leg during the landing, obviously. It’s not that I’m bitter (which I am), but the “just be open to it” rule results in increased self-help book sales, not actual dates.
But just in case I’m wrong, I am throwing this out there to the universe:
I am open to exploring the concept and eventual practice of dating an employed man who showers. Thank you for your kind attention.
P.S. Universe, if he happens to look like David Duchovny (particularly during the Mulder years, please see me for specific episodes if you have any questions), George Clooney, Alex O’Loughlin or Jon Hamm, that would be fine, too.
Hey, it never hurts to ask.