First off, I have to give a big welcome to the more than 6,000 people who have stopped by the blogspot site since Saturday. Please picture me waving to you all. That’s about um… 5,980 more than normally visit. Ok, that’s a slight exaggeration, but still it was a quite a pleasant surprise. Generally, this blog is about starting over in Los Angeles—you know, the dating failures, the dating non-starters, the dating disasters… all the things that make finding a mate in Los Angeles about as likely as understanding The X-Files mytharc. It’s possible, but it is going to take a lot of work.
So, while you probably wont find this blog as exciting as Mulder and Scully—hell, I don’t find it more exciting than Mulder and Scully — I hope you check back from time to time.
Now for my plug: the book Stars in Their Eyes is a really fun read, particularly if you enjoy “Hollywood” stories. It’s funny; it’s poignant and really gives you an interesting look behind the curtain. I enjoyed the characters generally, but I must admit a certain extra special affinity for Leah (my sister in Jimmy Choo). That girl is determined! It’s written by Danielle Turchiano, and it’s available through Amazon.com. Definitely check it out if you are looking for a new read.
Shortly before embarking on my flight of fancy to San Francisco, I finished reading another book called “Insider Dating” by Jennifer O’Connell. It covers quite a bit of ground, but essentially it focuses on a now single woman (post-divorce) who sets up a confidential database of men in the Boston area. The database isn’t just name, address, etc. This database logs the good, the bad and the ugly. Would you like to know if your blind date has a mommy complex, or is a habitual cheater? Save yourself some time and log into her database.
Clearly, there are huge pitfalls in this idea if it were applied to real life. For instance, any bitter person could set up an account and make all sorts of unfounded accusations about why their relationship ended. But in her universe, the information is generally sound and based on referrals, etc. I know there is a part of me that should be appalled by this, and yet a much bigger part of me thinks: “I wonder if this really exists, and if so, how do I get a password?”
You see, the main character is just slightly obsessed with “why”. Why did her marriage end? If she had known x, y, z before getting involved, would it have made a difference?
In most of my earlier relationships I know why the end came. When a guy you are dating sleeps with three women—none of whom are you—it’s not that hard to figure out that the relationship is not destined for the long haul. Also, I find a guy not showing up for a date ever again to be a clear indication that he might be slightly ambivalent and lacking in the true devotion department. When you float down the steps in your gown (looking every bit the princess) to meet your prom date, his “how are you going to dance in that” does give you pause.
But what about a relationship that just ends? You both still love each other. Neither one of you did anything egregiously wrong. There is no other party involved. It’s just over.
Maybe relationships tend to have shelf lives, but “why” is starting to become important to me. When you start dating, people seem to exchange a degree of information (at least these are the rumors I’m hearing). “Have you been married?” Yep, that seems to be a standard, although it immediately leads to consternation for me. If I say “no” and move on, am I lying? Obviously, in the literal sense, I’ve never been married. But skipping over a relationship that has informed the better part of my life over the last 15 years (if you count the dating and the aftermath) seems like a fairly big omission. But admitting it, will lead to “what happened”. Admitting it leads to “why”.
I have no idea why. It seemed like the relationship timeline went something like this us: first date-together forever-lifetime-lifetime-lifetime-lifetime-over. It was a million little things that probably wouldn’t ever create red flags in the lead character’s database. It was a million little things and in retrospect, nothing important. Nothing.
And if I can’t figure out what happened, how do I keep it from happening again?