It’s not that I’m discouraged in my quest to date, interact, talk or receive acknowledgement from the opposite sex. Ok, it is that. But allow me to spin a tale of how the social scene works for the non-famous in Hollywood.

Man flies into city for business meetings. He gets off the plane, checks into the hotel, and receives phone call from friend of a friend offering to meet him for dinner. Needless to say, love bloomed, violins played and the couple is still going strong. That’s right—the man flew into Los Angeles and within hours had a girlfriend. I don’t mean hook-up. I mean, “wow, I really like her. Maybe I should lavaliere her” (that’s right, a reference to ABC Family Channel’s “Greek” by a woman long out of college—love me).

And why wouldn’t this woman be interested—he’s a man who has a job, who showers regularly and likes girls. That is hitting the Los Angeles dating trifecta.

Basically, in order to find true love in Los Angeles, a man has to cross the border. I bet if I actually went to the border between California and one of its eastern neighbors, I would find long lines of interesting, intelligent, attractive woman waiting for the cars to cross or to tag the planes as they flew overhead.

Now, let’s examine the majority of my female friends in Los Angeles.


Well, there’s…


What about…


Yeah, I’ve got nothing.

Not only can’t I conjure a great “wow, we just clicked” story, the best date story I can think of is one that involved some dude sticking his finger into Veronica’s mouth as they were driving thinking he was pulling some sexy move on her on their second date. Oh, swoon.

I can’t even get an employed, straight, relatively clean male to pay attention when I say hello to him.

At this point, my trifecta would involve the phrase “would you like fries with that” (and the answer is “duh”).

What I need to know is—if a man gets granted a girlfriend along with his rental car keys upon arrival in this fine city, will it work for women in the opposite direction? In other words, if I arrive at Dulles will I have my own person tour guide by the time I get to Dupont circle? And if so, when is the earliest flight to DC I can take?

Again, I’m just saying…


P.S. Seriously thinking about coming out with my own line of “LA is Where Dating Comes to Die” greeting cards.

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