The Experts

Ever feel like you are caught in a revolving door of advice? I feel like I’m caught there right now.

It’s been pointed out to me that I’m not making as much of a concerted effort to meet men as I have in the past. More than one email has inquired as to whether or not I’m actually under witness protection or have just given up to defeatism.

Yes and Yes—But only in my fantasies.

In reality, I’ve started pursuing various websites that provide professional dating assessments. Many of them pose many thoughtful questions (like is hooking up dangerous or liberating? Obviously, I come down on the side of lethal.). Some are just a bit on the left side of ridiculous and clearly meant for 22 year old guys with degrees in advanced alcoholism. I thought that what I was doing made sense. My methods were not working, so I thought I’d see what the experts had to say.

I’ve come to one obvious conclusion. No one has any idea.

I’ve gotten the time-honored advice: “when you stop looking, love will come to you”. I’ve also gotten: “dating is hard work so you have to prepare and pursue often in order to hit the mark” (in essence, for every 15 people you approach, maybe 1 will be a possibility). That advice was naturally followed by: “stop looking so much because you push too hard and come off desperate”. And last, “do you look hot enough for love to find you?” God bless Los Angeles.

So, I should…


Do more.

Stop the doing more.

But I’d better look sexy no matter which path I choose, so I should have clicked on the sponsors who will chisel off that cellulite while I ponder love’s little mysteries.


Well, I think I can mark off the “when you stop looking” one. Seriously, no one has stopped looking more than I have. Also, the desperate one doesn’t seem to ring true because my friends are more likely to come off as desperate as they try to fix me up. I’m more likely to look alternately bored or frightened.

This only leaves the “hard work” option. It has been suggested that I need a work life balance (since currently all my energies are focused on work). So, if I’m willing to work very hard at my job then I should be prepared to work equally hard at dating—which is clearly ridiculous because I can’t get reduced hours based on the need to date, and I do need to sleep on occasion.

Also, I live in Los Angeles! It’s a land of extremes. People here hook up, have sex right away and then seem surprised when the other person doesn’t call again unless they are drunk (again). Can you hear that “how did you and grandma meet” story?

Well, kids, I bent her over a sink in the ladies bathroom about an hour after we
met at someone’s birthday party. Yep. We were wasted.

Aww. Tear.

No wonder it’s also the land of immediate marriage. If you do find someone who is willing to see you more than three times, Vegas is calling. And yes, someone is probably drunk (again).

I feel like an explorer. Not only do I have the burden (how is that for hopeful) of actually trying to date, but I also have the task of re-introducing the concept to the residents of this city. However, as intrepid as I am, I’m not quite sure how I’m going to respond to the question, “But if I can get sex any time I want, why should I date?” Because “human connection isn’t always about sex” doesn’t seem to get me anywhere.


5 comments on “The Experts”

  1. Dee Murray

    LOL!! Bent Over A Sink won't make it long enough to worry about telling grandchildren – they probably won't make it til the kid starts pre-school! That having been said, Mom always told you that you won't meet your Happily Ever After in a bar. I personally believe that people that are happy with themselves exude confidence and confidence is what naturally attracts people more than anything else. Not that I'm an expert, but I think until one is really happy with a good chunk of their lives, all the advice in the world isn't going to help. You just gotta be you!

  2. Kate, Dating in LA

    I think that's right, but what if the thing you aren't happy about is your lack of relationship? And if you are happy with your lack of relationship then you aren't pursuing a relationship. So… uh… either way you wont get one? head meets desk.

  3. Dee Murray

    hmmm….clever conundrum. Maybe happiness/confidence comes across in approachability? And if you're approachable, you can always say no? EEK! The head spins…

  4. danielletbd

    But again we come back to the whole "why is it bad that you are happy without a relationship" question? Why does society (and by that, I mean my mother 😉 ) think we can't be happy without a guy in our lives?I'm going to have to agree with Dee on this one: I think you can't find that meaningful relationship (whether you WANT to find it or not) if you're not happy with yourself and your life in other ways. Because no one wants to be surrounded by negativity, and if you're not happy with your life, you give off negative vibes without even realizing it. BUT if you're truly happy with your "lack of relationship," as you put it, then it shouldn't matter if you don't find one because you are fulfilled in other ways.

  5. Penelope

    If you are truly happy without a relationship, why do you have a blog about dating? Or a blog about the theory of dating, anyway. I don't recall an actual date happening so far. Perhaps we should explore your ambivalence in further detail and see what you are defending against.

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