I was wandering through my usual set of AOL alerts, and somehow, I ended up on an article that claims that there are 12 kinds of sex that every couple should have. What can I tell you; you can’t put a headline like that in front of me without me clicking on it.
Plus, I was confused…which should be a surprise to no one. I couldn’t figure out what they meant by “kind of sex”. I mean there are only so many orifices, and I was deeply concerned by the number 12 in this scenario. I mean, if nostril sex is suddenly on the table, I’m out. Seriously. I draw the line at nostril sex.
Imagine my temporary relief when I found out it was more like a “typing” reference. They meant things like “make-up sex” and “quickie sex”. Ok. So, once I banished the disturbing imagery of someone trying to shove something up my nose, I was more open to reading what they had to say.
But my relief was short-lived because this sounds like an awful lot of work. I mean, could I combine some of these? Can “quickie sex” be combined with “all over the house” sex? And do I get credit for the fact that I live in a small one bedroom apartment, so “all over the house” isn’t really all that difficult. Sure, difficult for me because boys don’t speak to me, but in theory, if I was resigned to actually having sex again, we wouldn’t have all that much ground to cover.
My friend Pen thinks I need therapy. This might prove her theory because instead of being mildly intrigued by the possibility of all this sex all over the place, all I could think of was “ugh, sex outside just means dirt and stones in places that shouldn’t worry about dirt and stones… plus, it’s just infection city… where’s the bathroom in this scenario?” Maybe I’m just channeling my inner Liz Lemon, but frankly, I’d be pissed if my mate destroyed my favorite Armani shirt because he thinks it’s “animalistic sex” night when actually it’s “leave me the F alone night”.
It’s not that I don’t see the value in all of this supposed sex. In theory, I do. “Make-up sex” holds particularly lovely memories for me, I think… well, from what hazy recollection I have. But right now, I think the best make-up present from a guy would not involve my shaving, plucking, stretching, stuffing or bleaching. Right now, “make-up sex” would involve him offering to give me a back-rub and then doing all the rest of my weekend work for me. That’s the thing that would leave a satisfied smile on my face.