I spent a significant portion of yesterday in the company of some extremely well put together women during a DVD shoot (the girls were bikini models). It was really motivating. As I shoved down another girl scout cookie from the catering table, I thought, “oh yeah, I’m so going to get my shit together and look like that some day”. Oooh, and then I also thought “I will also develop and perfect my time machine” because the oldest was around 24.

(Oh, wait, that’s only 3 years younger than my ex’s soon-to-be bride. Damn.)

Anyway, I thought that I might as well get started on the new crusade to become a bikini model by becoming very, very fit and um.. yeah, whatever else you would need to do. I celebrated this decision by digging into my curly fries and big beef and cheddar at lunch today. Well, in all fairness, I did read somewhere that curly fries are actually a little known weightloss method. Seriously. I swear I read it somewhere. The all curly fry diet will be the next big thing. Any day now.

As I’m driving home with contraband food, a Santa Monica police officer caught my eye. We were both stopped at stop signs. It was his turn to go, and when I got a good look at him, I thought at first we might be on camera. He was very, very, very good looking. Did I mention he was good looking? Yeah, totally good looking. Actor good looking. Good enough to put the curly fry down kind of good looking.

This left me wondering. If you encounter such a lovely specimen, you are single, and you are interested… would a minor infraction of traffic laws be justified in order to get his attention?

I don’t mean running over someone in the crosswalk. Even I would find that just a tad bit extreme. I think even crashing into a building or a hydrant would be pushing it. I was thinking more along the lines of the rolling stop. Of course, I know this will get me ticketed (a number of my friends seem to be getting tickets these days). But getting ticketed by the attractive police office is sort of the point. Well, not ticketed exactly, but more like pulled over and verbally frisked 😉

The tricky part is, I think he’d assume that I was hitting on him just to get out of the ticket. When, in fact, I was getting into the ticket in order to hit on him. Again, if I had the vehicle flirtation device already set up, I could just write him a very large note explaining the situation. But I still haven’t gotten the white board set up in the car. So, I’m left with my charming turn of phrase, wink and hair toss (toss, toss).

All of which will clearly get me nowhere fast.

I could look at it as step 1 in a multi-step plan. Of course, I would contest the ticket. He’d have to show up in court. We’d see each other again and laugh at the situation. (By the way, by the time I get to court, I’ve inexplicably grown taller, thinner, tanner and have a dazzling strong jawline). I’d tell my story to the judge. He’d chuckle in that avuncular way of his. He’d smile down on us and bless our union.

Then I’d write the check out for $360 because he wouldn’t believe me for a second. And the whole situation would leave me more jaded, resigned and a bit poorer than before.

Yep, no one can kill a fantasy like I can.

Kate, the fantasy killer