Apparently, in planning for a new life (new career, new love, new shoes) you are supposed to figure out what you are good at. Determine your passion and make a career of it. Determine the kind of man/relationship you want and pursue it. Figure out why you need yet another pair of black heels and buy them. On the surface, this all sounds like an excellent plan. Plus, Jimmy Choo is having another sale. So, I got out my trusty pencil (yes, it must be a pencil) and a piece of paper. I’m excellent at creating lists, and I thought this would come naturally.
What am I good at? What am I good at? Well, there was that…. Um… Oh, and that one time…oh, no, that didn’t work….
Yeah, that session pretty much ended with me doodling a pair of shoes. Well, at least I’m focused.
So, I tried again. So far, this is my list:
- Good at observing how delectable David Duchovny looks in swimwear (past and present)
Can I make a career out of being a perv? Hugh Hefner jokes aside, probably not. Although, perhaps I have an as yet undiscovered talent as a swimsuit designer? Of course, I also find him delightful in Hank Moody black t-shirt and Mulder suit, so men’s fashion designer generally might also be a possibility. Or, maybe I am destined to become a sculptor, and could actually bill this time to research of the male form?
- Good at always looking on the downside of life
I don’t give myself props for much, but I have mad skills with this one. Plus, any time I can bastardize a song from “The Life of Brian” (or really any Monty Python), I’m doing to do it. This might mean I have to cross off elementary school teacher from my list of possible new careers. Well, that and the fact that children and I tend to look upon each other with mutual suspicion. But I think news anchor, stock analyst, real estate advisor and loan officer, given the overall economic and social climate, are all areas where my gift for bleak could be rewarded.
- Good at watching the same films or TV episodes repeatedly without tiring of them
Maybe I can become an editor? You watch, re-watch, re-re-watch a lot with that job. Or some sort of CIA or FBI analyst where watching footage over and over again looking for clues is a key component. Or TV analyst? Or obsessed network executive?
- Good at getting irrationally angry at Emmy voters for epic failure despite not being involved in the shows
Yeah, this has producer all over it. Or crazy person. Whichever. I’ve been called both.
- Good at shaking my fist at the universe
Um… politician? Tele-Evangelist?
That’s as far as I’ve gotten. So far, the only possible job I see that includes all of this is “unpaid blogger”. Oh, wait… I’ve already got that job.
Success!! They were right. Put it down on paper, and your dreams really will come true.
This seems slightly less impressive than originally hoped.
Much like my love life.