Top 10 Reasons Vajazzling has me concerned:
- I originally heard about this process from an ER doc. One word: extraction.
- I’ve heard women say that they do this to feel better about their vaginas. Far be it from me to take away something that makes you feel better about your body, but it didn’t occur to me to feel bad about that specific part. Should I? Have I missed something? Was there a memo? All this time I’ve been obsessing about every other part of me, but I felt reasonably sure that this one was good on its own, and now I find out I should have been paying more attention to whether or not it sparkles in sunlight? And why exactly is it seeing sunlight?
- Ever have cause to stand in front of colleagues in a business meeting? Picture yourself standing up there wearing a skirt. Perhaps public speaking, even in limited capacities, makes you nervous. You feel a little trickle when you shift your weight. You chalk it up to sweat. You turn to point out the alarming downward trend of business this quarter, when you begin to feel another alarming downward trend. Something hits your shoe, bounces up and not only arcs toward the conference table but lands in your boss’s morning cup of coffee. And if that isn’t bad enough, the rogue “jazzle” is followed closely by another ping… and another…and another. Before you know it, you are standing in a pool of sparkly appliqués and wondering how this won’t end up on youtube.
- If you are tempted this holiday season to add a brightly colored bow to your box, take a moment to reflect on adhesive. I know you have a craft room, but the hot glue gun should not be pointed toward your previously unadorned nethers. Although, I will give you a pass if you choose to aim the glue gun at the guy who suggested the crystals might stay on longer that way.
- I now have a vision of a man seeing me naked and seeing disappointment in his eyes—but for entirely different reasons than I’m used to.
- Presumably, one of the reasons to adhere crystals to the southern zone is to inspire some sort of lusty response in your mate (or whomever you happen to be flashing crystals at in the subway). I have a vague memory that on occasion sex could involve some weight transfer. Yeah, nothing sounds more fun than having crystals digging into the pubic region while you are trying to put it to better use. However, I do believe that if we add spikes to the appliqués, we have just invented the modern equivalent of the chastity belt (strong).
- Instead of crystals, can I cement on some fun house mirror tiles instead? Because I’m pretty sure the sexiest thing possible is to add real distortion into the mix.
- The websites all indicate that this process usually follows complete hair removal. So, what you are telling me is that in order for a man to want to have sex with me, I have to rip out all my pubic hair with hot wax and then follow that up with gluing tiles in intricate, yet pleasing designs. Huh. Ok. What if I pick the wrong design? Say I go for a butterfly, and he was really hoping for something with an Andy Warhol effect? Also, if I choose an arrow, is that still a turn on, or have I found a way to make something that should be sexy, insulting instead?
- What if he swallows one of them?
- While I’m waxing, plucking, gluing and recreating his likeness across my pubis, he’s doing what exactly?
This piece has been edited and incorporated into the new collection “My Letter to Fear: Essays on Life, Love and the Search for Prince Charming.”