My Jeans Mean What???

I’m trying to grasp the subtle (and not so subtle) nuances associated with clothing messaging—and I don’t mean t-shirt logos.  Don’t worry if you are confused. I am also befuddled by the concept.

Apparently, there continues to be a vast underground network that decides the meaning of certain accessories and fabric colors. For instance, this season is all about colored jeans. In that spectrum, white jeans are everywhere.  Pen informed me that wearing of white jeans has been code for the person’s willingness to engage in anal sex activities.

I am wearing white jeans right now. I can assure you, you will not like my response if you decide to make your move based on this misguided notion.

Naturally, I could not let this matter rest. I consulted a room full of experts (also known as friends of mine innocently trying to play a trivia game) on this white jeans definition. It was soundly rejected by one and all. Next, I texted mystery man. His response: “I knew there was a reason why women should wear white after Labor Day.”  Hmmmm. Gross. And also not what I was looking for.  I decided while this may have been some secret underground handshake (or ass shake, as the case may have been); the current fashion wave has negated the old rules. At least I hope so.

Is there a place where you can appeal the rulings? For instance, if there is a panel specifically to determine which color jeans mean which sexual position you’d prefer, is there a way to address the committee before they render my entire wardrobe unsafe for outdoor use?

Fast forward to last night’s wine club. In addition to trying to determine whether the wine had more of a “mown lawn” or “cat pee” smell to it, I was attempting to decipher the back pocket handkerchief code which I was just being informed of.  Let’s put it this way, it’s very, very important that you do not get the color of the handkerchief wrong. Very, very important!

Is there a handbook where all these rules and signals have been codified—maybe a modern day equivalent of the “Preppy Handbook?”Are they etched in marble slabs somewhere? Is someone presenting them like commandments somewhere?  And how have I gone so very many years without ever noticing if the men around me had green or red fabric billowing behind them?  Are women doing this, too? Please tell me this is limited to back pockets and not suit pocket squares. Because that’s going to put a whole new spin on lunch at CAA.

4 comments on “My Jeans Mean What???”

  1. Dee Murray Reply

    This is why I don’t go outside. God only knows what gray sweats, a bra tank and a scrunchie might mean. Except, maybe, “Stay away, I’m old, see? I still use scrunchies!” And not for nuthin’, but WHITE?? REALLY? Like a Stayfree commercial? “Look at all the things I can do & keep my whites white…!” Um, ew. Who thinks of this stuff???????

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  3. Jana Reply

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