Since it is clear that I am on my way to being a social phenom, I thought I’d share some tips on how I “roll” (yeah, yeah).
(I don’t actually know what that means, but I hear it often on TV so…)
1) Immediately locate the bathroom upon entering any restaurant, club or bar. You’ll need a place to hide once the panic of having to be social sets in—and it will—be prepared.
2) Find the plants. You’ll need coverage—not just for hiding, but for disguising the whole “alone and awkward” thing. If there aren’t any plants for coverage (never go back to that place!) look for poles, beams or other obstructions. Important caveat to this rule—pay special attention to the poles you choose. If you accidentally end up near a stripper pole, people will actually start looking at you and chanting shockingly inappropriate things. Be warned. You know, unless you need some singles to tip the valet, then…
3) If you are forced to sit next to a guy who appears to be alone, or with his male bonding buddies, immediately turn your back—thus shutting down the possibilities of actually having to talk to someone. Double bonus points if you can add the hand covering the side of the face nearest them in the “you can’t see me” manner so popular with 2 year olds. Men like a challenge—so really make them work for it. Put both arms over your head and sing “la, la, la” just to make it more interesting.
4) If you are forced to assume the façade of someone actually enjoying herself (sheyah, that’s likely), I highly recommend desperately clutching the single glass of red wine all night. Plus, it leaves that delightful tinge to your tongue, teeth and lips. What’s not love about that? Very inviting!
5) Get out as quickly as possible and, for goodness sake, don’t make eye contact. That could get you stuck in conversation as you frantically edge toward the door.
6) Get home alone, lock the door and breathe huge sigh of relief to have successfully weathered another social situation. Whew!
I know—it’s a shocker that I’m still single. Do you have tips for navigating social situations? If so, mail them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Kate, Dating in LA