In the last few years, I’ve gotten the chance to see the insanity that counts for dating in Los Angeles. And while I’ve largely avoided it, what I’ve observed needs to serve as a warning to others. Here are my tips for things to do (and not do) when dating in Los Angeles:

1. If a man you have met once texts you asking if you are free on Saturday, and you confirm your availability, do assume that you now have a date even though you will not hear from him again until the weekend. In man-speak, it’s “on” even though no actual plans were made (or mentioned).
2. When on a dinner date, do be affronted when your date doesn’t let you order food as he assumes you weren’t eating because “you could lose a few pounds.” Feel free to incorporate cutlery into your response.
3. When a man tells you he was part of an arranged marriage pact, do not believe him when he says he can “totally get out of it for you.” He can’t. He won’t. And yes, I was as shocked as you are that these still exist and involve people living in Los Angeles.
4. When vomiting following a dinner of not quite fresh salmon, do not be surprised when you find your date in your living room instead of in the car where you left him. Also, do not be surprised if he is naked because he claims that your mad dash into the house seemed to be a “go” signal.  (Hint: it was not)
5. When your husband uses your credit card to go on a vacation to Mexico with his new paramour, do not be surprised when he doesn’t understand why you aren’t happy for him.  (Instead of getting justifiably angry, find a fun way to have him detained by border patrol. Hint: cavity search).

Note: All of these tips are based on actual events. This should scare us all.