Disclosure

PeaceWild

Photo of Patricia Steffy by Meghan Wilson

Take a look at how you relate to the world around you for a moment. Think about how you cope with your daily life. You seem pretty well-adjusted, don’t you?  You aren’t in prison. You don’t have an account with the local drug lord. You and your friends have mutual non-aggression pacts in place, and you like most of them (and most of them like you).

Now go find a stranger and explain your life to him/her.

I’ll wait.

Terrifying, isn’t it?  Explaining your life, your reactions, your coping mechanisms and your choices to a stranger is impossible—and you are never as neurotic than when you try to do it.

Normally, we are great self-editors. No one advocates for full disclosure during job interviews. Thank goodness for that otherwise the odds of ever being gainfully employed would not be good.

However, when it comes to dating, disclosure does end up becoming necessary. For instance, if you are a serial killer, that could be a deal breaker. You need to get that out there. Unless you are actually stalking your date for a future kill, and then I get your hesitancy. Otherwise, the little foibles and the major sinkholes of being you probably need to be mentioned along the way—perhaps not all on the first date, but eventually.

I used to think that the best relationships were ones that involved a lot of common interests, but perhaps all we are really looking to do is meet someone who has a compatible set of neuroses? Tricky. Very tricky.

Personally, I think the ones that work involve someone who sees your wonderful brand of insanity and accepts it. Sure, it would be baffling. We’ve come to assume that the 22 year old, fair-haired, baggage free option is always preferable (and plentiful in Los Angeles). Meeting someone who really sees you and still wants to know you? That is… well, that’s highly suspicious actually… but in a fairly amazing kind of way.

 

8 comments on “Disclosure”

  1. Lamont Reply

    Great post and quite accurate, in my opinion. But, then again, I’ve always liked how you mind works…(smile)

  2. Lamont Reply

    Great post and quite accurate, in my opinion. But, then again, I’ve always liked how you mind works…(smile)

  3. Dee Murray Reply

    I am in total agreement that as long as your insecurities/neuroses/insanities match – actually – don’t have to match – are accepted by someone with whom you accept their (all of the above) then you are perfect for each other. If my “casually tossed, yet exactly 45 degree angle” for coffee table books makes him shake his head yet laugh, then we’re good. If he takes up every ounce of space on the side table…bad example…that brings on the anxiety…LOL! But he knows and accepts that too…if he uses the coat rack as a closet, and I just hang things up when the mood strikes me, then we don’t have to be perfect, just perfect for each other. I was asked recently if this is the way I’ve always been and have been hiding it for 20 years or if this set of neuroses was new in the last few years, I said that it was mostly 20 years old and hiding it was becoming a neurosis of its own and I couldn’t hide it anymore. Shame on me, because it would have all been OK from the beginning. Except the 45 degree angle thing. I say as long as you love their strange and they love yours and that you both REALLY know that the strange isn’t greener on the other side of the fence, then that is a recipe for Mostly Happily Ever After.

  4. Dee Murray Reply

    I am in total agreement that as long as your insecurities/neuroses/insanities match – actually – don’t have to match – are accepted by someone with whom you accept their (all of the above) then you are perfect for each other. If my “casually tossed, yet exactly 45 degree angle” for coffee table books makes him shake his head yet laugh, then we’re good. If he takes up every ounce of space on the side table…bad example…that brings on the anxiety…LOL! But he knows and accepts that too…if he uses the coat rack as a closet, and I just hang things up when the mood strikes me, then we don’t have to be perfect, just perfect for each other. I was asked recently if this is the way I’ve always been and have been hiding it for 20 years or if this set of neuroses was new in the last few years, I said that it was mostly 20 years old and hiding it was becoming a neurosis of its own and I couldn’t hide it anymore. Shame on me, because it would have all been OK from the beginning. Except the 45 degree angle thing. I say as long as you love their strange and they love yours and that you both REALLY know that the strange isn’t greener on the other side of the fence, then that is a recipe for Mostly Happily Ever After.

  5. Lisa Shield Reply

    Kate, Just discovered your blog. Loved this post. I have found a man who actually seems to love me, neurosis and all. I keep wondering if he will wake up one day and say, “WTF was I thinking?” but we’re at 10 years and going strong. (He’s even booked already booked a table at our fav restaurant for Valentine’s Day, so he at least intends to stick around until the 14th!) Maybe it’s working because we both laid everything out on the table from the start. By the time we met, I was taking a “This Is the Best I’ve Got, Take it or Leave It” approach to dating. I wasn’t even trying to hide my “stuff.” I wasn’t messy in the way I put it out there, but I didn’t hide anything either. I always think that your soul mate can’t find you if you’re hiding behind masks and facades, pretending to be someone you’re not. Even when we try to self-edit, it all comes anyway. Signed up for your blog. Can’t wait to read more.

  6. Lisa Shield Reply

    Kate, Just discovered your blog. Loved this post. I have found a man who actually seems to love me, neurosis and all. I keep wondering if he will wake up one day and say, “WTF was I thinking?” but we’re at 10 years and going strong. (He’s even booked already booked a table at our fav restaurant for Valentine’s Day, so he at least intends to stick around until the 14th!) Maybe it’s working because we both laid everything out on the table from the start. By the time we met, I was taking a “This Is the Best I’ve Got, Take it or Leave It” approach to dating. I wasn’t even trying to hide my “stuff.” I wasn’t messy in the way I put it out there, but I didn’t hide anything either. I always think that your soul mate can’t find you if you’re hiding behind masks and facades, pretending to be someone you’re not. Even when we try to self-edit, it all comes anyway. Signed up for your blog. Can’t wait to read more.

  7. KateDating Reply

    Welcome, Lisa! I completely agree about hiding behind the masks– though more comfortable at times, it rarely brings something permanently positive.

  8. KateDating Reply

    Welcome, Lisa! I completely agree about hiding behind the masks– though more comfortable at times, it rarely brings something permanently positive.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *