Birthday

I come to you on this, the first day of my 43rd year of being single, ready to impart all the wisdom I have accumulated on numerous topics. I am prepared to grant you access to the profound workings of my mind—which may or may not be clouded with a sugar rush that only a birthday cake and bubbly can bring.

Ready?

I have no idea what I am doing. And neither does anyone else.

If anyone knew for certain what to do in life, there would be only one self-help book on the shelf, and everyone would have adopted those guidelines because they worked for everyone. If there was only one way to find romance, there would be only one dating site. Also, you would not have, conservatively, 9,132 books about dating available on Amazon (there are actually more, but I didn’t want to accidentally double count the hardcover and Kindle versions). There would be one book. Naturally, that book would be called “Dating according to Kate.” Spoiler alert: it will include formal wear, as I recently rediscovered a couture dress in my closet that I’m dying to wear.

The best thing I can say is that after all of this time, I know me fairly well. It’s not that I can’t occasionally be surprising, but generally, I know me.

I seem to like asking questions more than either hearing (or giving) answers.
This is not just because I’m persnickety and argumentative, though undoubtedly both are true. For me, the journey tends to be more satisfying than the destination (unless we are discussing plane travel, and then… not so much). I like open-ended stories. I enjoy topical debate—which might seem odd since I often hold absolute opinions. But I do enjoy the questioning. Perhaps this is because the answers, thus far, have not lived up to their promise?

Chocolate is my favorite food group.
I used to think it was anything with salt, but chocolate has endured. It may be the true love of my life—which makes the very real possibility that I’m developing a chocolate allergy just a little disheartening. I plan to live in denial as long as possible. Certainly getting an actual allergy test is out of the question.

Someone needs to give me a $100 million entertainment development fund.
I think we can all agree that I would produce some incredibly entertaining work with $100 million. I’d also take $10 million…or $1 million. All of my incredibly talented friends (and I know many who just need that one break) would also benefit because the fund would finance their projects—provided they agree to cast a short list of actors I’d personally like to see work more… and if they would let me visit set…often… for, you know, script consulting purposes. Whatever. I think I would make a magnificent mogul. I’m adding the title to my business card right now.

As I get older, my inner monologue filter has started to become external.
And it’s hysterical… although I would not be surprised in the least if it gets me punched at least once very soon.

I still believe I could wake up tomorrow and finally be 5’4″.
Shhh. Let’s not kill the fantasy.

Every year I call my parents on my birthday and hope that they have lied to me and that I’m actually 10 years younger.
They’ve started humoring me.

Even my fantasies are a disappointment.
The other night I had a fantasy where in the middle of an intellectual discourse, Clooney and I started to kiss. It was just “eh.” He wasn’t bad at it, and I think I held up my end with dignity. However, the spark just wasn’t there. Typical.

4 comments on “Birthday”

  1. Carey Hagan Reply

    Nothing about your comments worries me, except the last statement. You're giving up on Clooney? Have aliens taken over your body/mind? Okay, this is so disturbing. Of course chocolate is a food group: duh. And of course none of us have any clue what we're doing in life. That's a given. But Clooney disappointed you, in your fantasy life? Okay, meds time.

  2. Carey Hagan Reply

    Nothing about your comments worries me, except the last statement. You're giving up on Clooney? Have aliens taken over your body/mind? Okay, this is so disturbing. Of course chocolate is a food group: duh. And of course none of us have any clue what we're doing in life. That's a given. But Clooney disappointed you, in your fantasy life? Okay, meds time.

  3. Dee Murray Reply

    don't give up on chocolate! Check for soy allergy – which is in 90% of all chocolates! Soy is creeping up to the top of the allergy list very quickly in the last several years. It is in the top 8 and in spite of what the soy manufaturers tell you (and I know I'll get heat for this) soy really isn't good for you. It's ridiculously genetically modified. Chocolate could still be your man. Trust me. I know. 🙂

  4. Kate, Dating in LA Reply

    @Carey, I know!! Maybe we were just having an off night. I'll see if I can dream him into a better scenario. :)@Dee I believe the soy thing! My doctors have told me to stay away from it because of my thyroid.

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